Lost Lady

12/28/11 Diary Entry

-All my life,for as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be someone else. Someone more clever, funny, pretty and loved by others. I have always felt that a few other people I knew were far more special and lovable then I was.  They just seemed to have something special that kept people coming back for more. People just loved being around them.  Although I was thoroughly entertained by them and felt blessed just to be close to them I always wondered what it was that they had which I lacked.  I wanted desperately to know what that special something was.  But, I could never figure it out.
I always felt like some homeless, nameless outsider with no genuine personality-sitting on the other side of the window-freezing and looking in, watching and observing them in awe and envy.
Was it the color of their skin, their hair, how they were raised or their extremely loving and coddling parents perhaps?  I wasn't sure. I just knew and honestly felt that they were better than me in some unspoken incredible way. 
 I felt that I was a petal in the wind, blowing around soft-fragile (maybe pretty if you looked hard enough) but, always quickly fleeting and forgotten. I felt ignored and over-looked and then finally very lonely, empty, confused and unfortunately-hopeless.
The only hope I felt was the kind of hope that is desperate.  A sad pathetic last effort to sort of try to "will" some magical life altering defining experience into my life that would change everything for the better.  But, life is not a fairy tale or Disney movie and that day never came...or if it did I am far to young immature and stupid to have caught on to it up to this point in my life.

This is a diary entry that I wrote near the end of 2011. When I finished writing it I decided I needed to start a blog. Sometimes I have to write my way out of whatever internal mess I am in with the hope that I will truly find myself again. Writing for therapy and self-discovery is especially important for me right now. That is what I like about the written word. It's the most blatant form of expression and it can be so honest that when I re-read certain passages I realize truths that I wasn't even aware were inside of me. I hope that I can open up a well of creativity and self-purpose through writing this blog.
I would also like to have a safe anonymous space to write about whatever interests me about the world and my writing progress.
Sometime towards the end of last year an old friend of mine sent me a message saying that when he looks into my eyes he sees a lost woman...I need to try to find out who I am and get to where I want to be. Hopefully, this blog will just be another tool to help me get there.
I don't want to be lost anymore...


Lovely Lady