It's time to let go



*This piece of art is an oil painting by one of  my favorite artists, Audrey Kawasaki. This oil painting is called, My Dishonet Heart.


I desperately want a few people to know that I do not shame them. I just think it is better that we are not in each others lives-if not just for now then forever. But, I do love them and wish them the best life has to offer.
But, how do you tell someone that?...you can't.

Reconciling differences can be a touchy emotional process.
Proceed with caution!
The outcome may or may not be the one you hoped for.

I have come to the point of feeling like the only conversation I can have about them can be with god since I can't speak to them directly and it's a horrible feeling. Not confiding in god of coarse, but knowing to much time has passed by to re-open old wounds or arguments and re-establish trust in a relationship.

When I stop talking to someone and shut them out of my life I feel as if (later on after the fact when I've healed and calmed down) I meant to shame them initially and that is not fair because we all deserve forgiveness.  This is what Jesus taught us-it's not my rule. But, because of his teachings and sacrifice for us human beings it is what is in my heart. 

I want to forgive and I do forgive but, I can't tell certain people this because I feel like the radio silence has gone on for far to long. The past has been buried in the PAST, simply put. But, I still do pray on it from time to time.

I've learned from my own wrong doing, repentance and desire for forgiveness that I am no longer capable of feeling that it is right for me to shame someone by cutting them off without making myself clear.

I have had to learn the hard way that forgiveness should be granted internally and externally as soon as possible (whether or not a future relationship will continue) because when the moment to tell someone you forgive them (or say your sorry) passes you by it can eat away at your conscience later on.  I will make many more mistakes in my life as an imperfect human being but, I will never make this mistake again. 

I will be assertive and say what I feel in the moment. I want a true honest life and relationship with no more unspoken words or thoughts hanging in the air like an evil-energy draining dark cloud.  Let love in and the bad, the evil, the hate...let it all go and sooner than later!


*The artwork I posted is an oil painting by one of  my favorite artists, Audrey Kawasaki. This oil painting is called, My Dishonest Heart.

"I guess I am realizing that is just how time works..."

I can't believe it is already March 8th, 2012.
As usual I am up at about 3 something in the morning feeling like a loser because I wasted my day off yesterday and didn't get anything productive done besides read a book and this book addiction of mine has most definitely become counter productive since I use it to avoid my reality-well to escape it rather. But, their are worse addictions. :)

You know, I should be praying myself to sleep instead...praying to god to help me grow up and guide me towards getting my life togehter.

I am 24 years old feeling guilty about smoking a ciggarette right now while writing in my journal like a 16 year old teenager.  I just finished watching, My Best Friends Wedding, (which is a great movie) on a VHS tape I purchased from the goodwill down the street while my sister is passed out sleeping like a baby in my room with pink painted walls. I carefuly put the VHS tape back in the box and noticed the movie was released in 1997-that means it has been out for 16 years!!

I find that outrageous and shocking since movie stars seem to only age by the decade to me, not by the year. I remember I liked that movie when I spotted it at the checkout counter while purchsing my ten dollar TV/VHS set for my room with my measley waitressing tips. But, watching it this time around I loved it so much more because I actually fully understood what was going on and the deeper meaning behind Julia Roberts character and motivation when she realizes her fear of commitment has made her miss out on the love of a life-time. I thought it was just a "good" movie when I watched it when I was younger-now 16 years later, as a grown woman, I realize it is actually a fabulous movie.

I guess I am realizing that is just how time works...and it got me to thinking what do I have to look forward to at 28 (the age Julia Roberts plays in the movie). I'm hoping I will be light years away from my current lack of life success by then. But, I hope my sister (although I will be financialy stable by then living in my own place) will still not be to far from me. :)